The Most Common Complaints Men Have About Marriage

They complain about their spouses' tendency to complain

Tim Cavell, a clinical psychologist says that men tend to be pretty tight lipped in couples counselling. But when they do voice their frustrations, they usually complain about their spouses' tendency to complain.

Tim said that: ''The definition of complain - It's 'to state that one is suffering or in pain.' So to complain is to say that you’re vulnerable or weak. Most men don’t do that."

So to encourage constructive conversations between the couples, Tim tells them to phrase their complaints as requests instead and: "take turns talking and making I-statements instead of you-statements."

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They're bored with their spouses

Psychotherapist Abby Rodman often hears long-married men talk about becoming a little bored by their wives.

"These men aren't talking about their sexual interest waning -- although that's a byproduct of the real issue -- but rather that their wives no longer make efforts to enrich their own lives through self-improvement, professional growth or new interests,"

 "I want to be clear that these men aren't jerks; they really, really want to be connected to their wives in meaningful ways but instead come home every night to partners who only complain about driving carpool and work."

In her sessions, Abby encourages the men to find a connection with their spouses, form of a new shared hobby or pencil in weekend trips together.

"I also remind them that they found their wives interesting once and that it's imperative they find the time -- and make the commitment -- to rediscover their spouse."

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They think their spouses are bored with them

Men are equally fearful that their spouses are bored with them.

Marriage and family therapist Jim Walkup said "When husbands come in for therapy after an affair, they will confess, 'I just didn’t think my wife cared.'"

"Most couples do not get around to a discussion of how much they matter to one another," he said. "Perfunctory 'I love yous' do not suffice. Real attention to the temperature of the marriage makes a difference -- and the discussion will head off his sense that you've gotten lost with your children or your job and he doesn’t matter. One partner's lack of concern may make the other susceptible to an affair with someone who does care".

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They're not having sex

Marriage therapist Bonnie Ray Kennan says it's not always about getting hot and heavy but that physical intimacy needs to be a priority for both men and women.

"So many husbands can't understand why their wives don't initiate sex and or want to have sex, the thing is, men feel closer when they have sex with their wives, but women will want to have sex with their husbands when they feel understood by them and closer to them."

"The advice I give to men is to really initiate relationship work with their wives," she said. "Take her to a place away from the home, sit down and work to understand her better. Tell her she seems unhappy and that you would like to help her with this. Then, listen non-defensively to what she says."

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They're not speaking the same love language as their spouse

Family therapist Jim Walkup says that he hears plenty of stories of husbands and wives just getting the wrong end of the stick in their communication. 

To get on the same page, he suggests: "Ask each other: 'During our life together, could you name five times when I have done something that made you know that I loved you?' Together parse out the ingredients: Was it an action? Was it touch? Was it words of affirmation? Was it a gift? Was it listening? Armed with this knowledge, you'll hopefully spend your energy caring in a way that makes each other glow."

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They're sick of the "good cop/bad cop" parenting routine

According to marriage therapist Bonnie Ray Kennan, many married men feel that they have been locked into the "bad cop" role.

"Frequently, the husband will be the disciplinarian and the wife will become excessively permissive. They get trapped in that 'good cop, bad cop' dynamic."

She reminds her clients about the importance of presenting a united front as parents.

"Your children will be healthier and balanced if you're contributing in the same way," she said. "Negotiate with your wife to find ways to integrate both parenting styles into a seamless unit that your children see and trust."

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